Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
