I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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