guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Are we still banned from the library?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
