I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
