What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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