Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
