What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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