we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
