somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
