U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize