So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
