i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
