I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
