i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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