My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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