I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
