Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
