My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
