If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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