rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
