Buhtt sex?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
