i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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