I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Dicks are not precious.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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