Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
