I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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