i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
