drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I looked at my own cervix.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize