listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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