im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize