Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Two words: nipple clamps
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