So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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