I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
