im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
