Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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