im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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