She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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