this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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