this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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