You just made me feel so damn special
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
