I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
