the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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