Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
