Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
