so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
