"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
