After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
