Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
