What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
