My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
