the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
