im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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