Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
