there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
