She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
