Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
