I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
