I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
