It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Drake has all the answers
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
