Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
