She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
