yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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