i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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