girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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