stop calling my apartment porn island.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
