the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
