Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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