fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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